Tuesday, April 08, 2014
I've always told myself not to get into a lesbian relationship for fear of the stereotype, that it would turn out to be dramatic.
Boy was I right... But, this girl, the way she makes my heart soar and fall in the same moment. Feelings I've never felt before or maybe its been so long I've forgotten how it feels, to be in love, or at least like. The things she has done, really makes me feel special, feel pampered. The way she makes me smile at my phone like a fool in love, the way my face cramps from smiling so much. I really like it. I really like her. I don't mind looking like a fool. Hearing someone ask why I am giggling at my phone affirms how much I like her. The way she bites me, the way she hugs me and even smells me. The little affectionate things she does affects me in a whole new way. It's been a long time since I wanted to shout to the world "She is the one that I want." And how much I wanted her to be mine. That feeling, that urge to have her and to hold her. It is something that has not hit me since E. I have been on dates, talked to other girls before. But I have not felt this way about any other girl at all. Someone who makes me want to forsake my own rule of not getting into a lesbian relationship. Her smile and her laughter, makes me want to hold her face and kiss her. To show her that its okay to be happy. Her fears, oh her silly little fears, it makes me want to protect her even more. The awkward way she holds my hand, I sometimes wish I had bigger hands so I can hold her hands and make her feel secure. I don't mind the way she teases me to get a laugh or even how she outs me to my sister/says outrageous things to entice a reaction from me. As long as she is happy. That is all I want her to be right now is happy.
I've never wanted a relationship after E. I've told myself to concentrate on my career and taking care of my family. I am only afraid I would not be able to give it my best, my time and my effort to the one that I love. That's why I've learnt to shut myself away. But, C had just choose to stumble in my life.
HY said that these restrictions are my own. And that it is up to me to lift them.
YS said that it isn't that I didn't have time for a relationship. But it's the fact that I would need to learn how to make time for it.
Sometimes it feels like it takes the life out of me, to hold onto someone who constantly pushes you away. I've been trying so hard, time and time again. I've throw my ego out of the window to break down her walls. It feels like desperation the way I yearn for her, the way I want her, need her in my life.
Now, the question of the matter is, does she feel the same way too?